What kind of woman actively pursues the husband of her friend?  The worst kind of woman.

10 years ago, I befriended this kind of woman, but obviously, I didn’t know what she was at the time.  I found her sense of humor, willingness to try new things, and kindness attractive as a friend.  She made me laugh, unlike any friend I had had before.

Our friendship circled around our daughters who were the same age.  Over time, the friendship deepened and I began inviting her to my house for barbecues, parties, etc.  She met my husband and they too became friends.

During our friendship, she complained about how much her husband worked.  She spent a lot of time alone with her children.  At the time, I didn’t realize that she looked at G as the perfect husband and father.  Well, maybe I did, but it never occurred to me that she would plot and plan to steal my husband.

Last summer, she initiated an argument with me.  In hindsight, I realize now that she was getting me out of the picture so she could pursue G.  In the past, I facilitated their friendship by encouraging them to go on hikes with the kids.  Foolishly, I trusted them both.

With the girls and I out of the picture, I assumed G would stand up for us and end his friendship with her as well.  Why did I expect this?  Because that is what I would have done.  If someone hurts my kids and/or my spouse, I cut them out of my life as well.  Unbeknownst to me, G never did this.  Instead, he met up with her secretly and continued his friendship with her.

Men are stupid.  He didn’t see what she was doing.  Instead, he encouraged it.  She had him just where she wanted him.  She was in full “catch him” mode - funny, affectionate, positive, encouraging.  She became everything and anything he wanted.

Of course, during this time, G claims he was unhappy in our marriage.  It would have helped if he actually talked to ME about it, but he went to her instead.

If he hadn’t been caught, that relationship would still exist.  I can’t say with 100% certainty that he isn’t talking to her anymore.  I don’t know what she told her own husband either.

She is a “trade up” kind of girl.  If she sees and avenue to improve her own life, she will pursue it.  She is selfish beyond all comprehension.  Neither she nor G took into account how their actions would affect those closest to them (spouses and children).  Isn’t that what an affair ultimately is about - your own selfish needs?

What bothers me the most about her is that she claimed I was her friend for all those years.  What kind of woman does this?  The worst kind, in my book.  Why not pursue someone without familial attachments?  Why  not divorce your own husband and then go where “the grass is greener”?

The thought of her makes my skin crawl.  She is the polar opposite of the person I strive to be.  She went to a place (and it took two, so G isn’t off the hook either) that I would never, ever consider.

So, although I don’t hold grudges, I do have to say that I hope she gets what is coming to her.  You reap what you sow.  And I hope her other girl friends start steering clear, if only to protect their marriages and their spouses from her.  She is the scum of the Earth.

What is the point of marriage counseling?  Isn’t it a tool you use when you and your spouse have issues you need to work out?  A counselor is there to listen, then guide you to resolution.

For 5 weeks, I have been listening to G blame me for his affair.  Everything is my fault.  Not only has he brow-beaten me for the last month +, but he accepts absolutely no responsibility for his actions, feelings, or the pain he has caused.

So, again, I ask, What is the point of marriage counseling?

When do I just throw in the towel and say, “F*** this!”?  Do I continue bothering with counseling if there is going to be no resolution?

Another good point:  what kind of apology is, “I’m sorry, but…”?  That’s the apology I have gotten.  If I had done this, or if I had done that, then he wouldn’t have cheated.  REALLY?

Instead, I sit here day after day, getting blamed for crap that I had no hand in.  I was a good wife.  I had a smile on my face when he came home every day.  I listened when he wanted to talk.  I supported him and had his back.  I praised him and told him I loved him every day.

He was not beaten, scolded, put down or any other “negative” thing that goes on in some relationships.  He had a good life here and he threw it all away.  You would think he would have some sense of remorse and/or guilt.  Not G.  Nope.  It’s all my fault.

I don’t want to live like this.  I CHOOSE not to live like this.  Life is too short to put up with some asshole who refuses to acknowledge any and all of the things he did wrong.  He can’t even acknowledge that he hurt the kids.  Honestly, that pisses me off more than the fact that he cheated on me with an ex-friend.

Oh, and did I mention, he DEFENDS her?  Nice, right?

I have the choice to live my life and be happy, don’t I? Since this is no longer a concern for him, why am I with him?  Do you stay because of the kids or do you give yourself the chance to actually find someone who appreciates you?

I. HAVE. HAD. IT!

I believe happiness comes from inside yourself.   Happiness can be a choice.

You can either dwell on what you don’t have or you can focus on all the things you do have.

There are times in our lives when we are met with adversity.  There are times when things are not going well.  Pity parties absolutely do have their place.  Depending on the situation, you are absolutely afforded the right to grieve in your own way and on your own time schedule.

HOWEVER, at some point, enough is enough.  You have to choose to be happy again and focus on the things that are going well.  I know this can be hard.  I’ve had my own “darkest of days”.  Sometimes those days can turn into weeks or even months.  But at some point, you have to put yourself out there again and live life.

You cannot rely completely on another person for your happiness.  If you do, you will be sorely disappointed.  Relying on someone else to give you hope, optimism and joy and you will end up feeling empty and miserable.

I’m not saying that people don’t give each other happiness.  When you do things for someone you love, you can make them happy.  You can be thoughtful, caring and loving.  That creates warmth and happiness in other people.

But at your core, your happiness is all your own.  You have to nurture it in yourself.  If you don’t, you are bound to be unhappy.  So, how do you create your own happiness?  Well, it comes from within.  You have to believe in yourself, in your character, in your kindness and in your worthiness.  What you can’t do is expect someone else to fill in the gaps for you.

I am sure there are hurdles.  Some people are born optimists while others are pessimists.  As an optimist (and certainly, a realist), I can’t comprehend walking around with a negative frame of mind all the time.  For these people, finding happiness is infinitely harder.  But like everything else, you have to be willing to work for it.

I am in a wave of unhappiness these days and it is REALLY uncomfortable.  I crave the light at the end of the tunnel, so I am trying with everything I am to find it again.  That means that every day I get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.  I, personally, refuse to have a pity party.    I definitely have moments, but at least I am trying.  Happiness is worth it.

It has finally arrived, four weeks after The Bombshell.  I have crashed and burned.  Although this was expected, it still sucks.

How can I not be depressed?  The life I knew is gone.  Shattered through deception and lies.  To make matters worse, my children have lost their sense of security and life as they knew it.  So, my pile of crappola is pretty huge.

The problem is, where do I go from here?  I have tried to extend olive branches, but they have been swiftly and callously dismissed.  So, do I continue trying in this way or do I accept defeat and give up on all hope.

The problem is, every time I see a glimmer of hope, it’s quickly dashed by his anger and defensiveness.

I’m not a quitter and I have two beautiful children who want life back the way it was.  I don’t blame them!  My marriage wasn’t perfect, but I found contentment.  Along the way, apparently, we lost the art of communication.

The loss of communication is absolutely no excuse for an affair.  The affair is another hurdle for me.  Can I forgive him?  Maybe.  But that would take so much work on his part and I’m not sure he is willing to do what is necessary.

Then there’s the whole “divorce” thing hanging in the air.  With divorce comes the frightening idea of dating again.  UGH.

I’m just all over the place and totally miserable.  It’s true that this experience is like grieving the loss of a loved one.  In this case, I am grieving the loss of my former life.

For months, I saw that he was not happy.  I made so many overtures during that time to let him know that he was loved, wanted, needed, etc.  Never, never, never did I really believe he would be capable of cheating.  Maybe I would have been better prepared for this hellish time in my life if I didn’t ignore the signs.

I crave a clear path.  I crave what I believed I had.  I want peace and harmony.  I want my children to feel secure and happy again.  I just don’t know that there is anything else I can do at this point to make that all happen.  So, instead, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  But this sucks.

Well, I wish I could say that I’m well on the way to recovery, but that wouldn’t really be the truth.

In the beginning, I was an emotional roller coaster.  My mood changed by the hour (and sometimes, by the minute).  Over the course of the last few weeks, the roller coaster has slowed down.  Now my mood only changes twice a day

So, you may be wondering what these moods are.

The first, and most obvious is anger.  I don’t remember ever being this angry for this long.  Typically, my anger flares and then dissipates rather quickly.  So, prolonged anger is new for me.  Do I have a right to be angry?  Absolutely!  I was betrayed in the worst possible way.  To add to the anger, my spouse has yet to make strides to reassure me or to make me feel that his apology is heart-felt.

The next emotion is sadness.  This encompasses grief.  I am sad for the loss of my marriage and for the loss of my family unit as I have known it for so many years.  With sadness comes a supreme lack of security.  We all need a sense of security, whether it is financial, emotional or psychological.  I am completely off balance.

Depression follows sadness.  If I had the opportunity, which as a mother, I don’t, I would hide under the covers for days.  Unfortunately, I am completely duty-bound, so giving in to the depression is just not an option.  On the days when I actually don’t do much except my mom duties, I feel tremendously guilty.

And then there’s guilt.  Could I have done something to prevent what has happened?  No.  That was his lousy choice.  Should I have known what was happening?  I intuited something was up, but still, when I found out, I was still shocked.  I never thought G would be that kind of person.

On some days, I actually feel resigned.  I feel resigned that my marriage is over, no matter how much I try to fix it.  It takes two, you know?  I think the marriage itself was pretty good (an opinion only I hold), but what’s the point in working out the kinks in it if I can’t get over his affair.  This is where G comes in.

I need to feel that G is fighting to save our family and our marriage.  The question I face now is:  how long do I wait to see if he’s willing to do this?  If you have the answer, I would LOVE to know!

In the meantime, all I can give myself is time.  To tell the truth though, I’m running out of patience.  I’m not a waiter.  I’m proactive!

My therapist asked me the other day, “What are your emotional needs?”.

I had to think long and hard about this one.

The truth is, my emotional needs have been lost over the last 12 years in my marriage.  G’s emotional needs, as well as those of my children, superseded my own.  Foremost, I am a caregiver and in that, my emotional needs became inconsequential.

After much thought and consideration I came up with this list:  support, protection, loyalty, honesty and security.  Recent events in my life have shown me that none of these needs were being met.

Did I even notice?  To be honest, no.  However, because of the recent events in my life, I realized that I am worthy of having my emotional needs met as well.

Now, the question is, will G be up to the task?  The answer is, I don’t know.  If I spent the last 12 years with blinders on, how do I know that I truly need what has been missing?

In therapy, you review everything in your life.  Certain aspects have been illuminated.  The fact is, my male role model, my father, is the strong, silent type.  He is a man of few words, but when he speaks, you LISTEN.  His strength emanates from every pore of his being.  He is sensitive and kind, but he stands up for what is true and right.  He does not cower from adversity or confrontation.  In fact, he meets these things head on and with an optimistic attitude.

In comparison, while G displays many of these characteristics, he has not played the role of protector and supporter.  I never realized how important these things were to me.

In retrospect, MOST of my arguments over the years (and there really weren’t that many) stemmed from his inability to meet these emotional needs.  What a surprise this was to me!!!!!

It’s not that I held resentment towards him.  Rather, I just learned to get along.  While I believed I was content, maybe I just lowered my standards because he was good in so many other ways.

The revelation of his affair has actually given me a window into my own soul.  Yes, it’s traumatic and devastating in so many ways; however, I am more startled by the revelation of my own emotional needs.

Everyone has them.  They may be similar to mine, or more like intimacy, affection, platitudes, etc.  For me, meeting my emotional needs, as stated above, would bring all the others to fruition.

Yes, I’ve actually seen the wisdom of therapy.  This blog is also a way to journal my thoughts and feelings.  Combined, they are giving me the power to see my life so much more clearly.  And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I hope that you, too, will find the path to worthiness and fulfillment.

In classical psychology, projection is always seen as a defense mechanism that occurs when a person’s own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.^[1]

An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and redirect their libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or “projecting,” those same faults onto another. (Wikipedia).

For the last three weeks, after my husband admitted to his affair, he has been brow-beating me and blaming me for getting to the point where he chose to have that affair.

No marriage is perfect.  G and I are complete opposites.  Where he is quiet; I am loud.  Where I’m a fighter, he’s a peacekeeper.  I used to think this was a good thing because we could balance each other out.

Somewhere along the way, that was lost.  I became the source of strength and protection for the family.  I voiced my displeasure about things, but lost that sense of support from him.

At this point, I am lost.  Where do I go from here?

What I do know is that I will not submit myself to being knocked when I’m already down.

One question I have asked is this:  If the children and I felt the home was peaceful and happy, why did he not?  Another question:  If I am such a “negative” and “critical” person, why did he stay?

And more:  How can I be a “great mother” and a lousy wife?

The questions just keep popping up.

I don’t think he grasps the severity of what he chose to do.  He thinks that the kids will be fine.  I believe they will be profoundly affected by this for years to come.  They have questions and want answers.  He doesn’t provide them.  I do.

When does having an argument with someone cross the line of being verbal abuse (as he has claimed)?  If you angrily say someone is acting selfishly and is passive-aggressive, is that abuse?  Is being cranky and/or moody, at times, abusive?

I have been victimized by his actions and rather than admit and accept that he has caused this pain and anguish, he seems to relish in pointing out all my real and imagined faults.  Does that fall under the definition of “projection”?

I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I knew which way is up.  I wish I knew what road to follow.  Perhaps counseling is the answer.  Right now, I’m just overwhelmed by sadness and anger.

It IS my world that has been turned upside down, isn’t it?

Perception is reality.  However, perception can be skewed by various factors.

One factor is attitude.  Are you optimistic or pessimistic?  If you’re optimistic, perhaps your perception makes things appear better than they actually are (I apparently fall into this category).  Pessimists, on the other hand, can view events in a negative light and feel things are worse than they actually are.

Another factor is your own sense of self.  Are you too sensitive?  Are you too stubborn?  Are you unsure of yourself?  All of these things can make even the simplest of statements seem to be a personal attack.

So, how do you ensure that your perception is realistic?  I think the only way to do that is to use your voice.  You need to ask questions.  You need to assert yourself and ask the other person to define what they mean.

The worst offenders are the ones who keep their thoughts and feelings bottled up.  How is someone else supposed to understand what you are thinking and feeling if they refuse to ask for clarification?

I learned a long time ago that if you assume things, you are often mistaken.    We can’t read each other’s minds.  Assuming means putting thoughts and feelings into someone else’s head that may not be within the realm of reality.

This can cause major trouble in a relationship.  We are owners of our thoughts and feelings.  We can choose to share them and clarify them so that there is no misunderstanding.  However, a relationship has to go both ways.  This is why communication is so key.  Without it, you are both left with perceptions that are inaccurate and ultimately, damaging.

Over time, skewed perception builds resentment and anger.

I believe the solution is to find your voice, own up to your own thoughts and feelings, and communicate without fear of retaliation.  This may not be easy, but ultimately, everyone is better for it.

So, where do we go from here? The short answer is: I don’t know.

I’m still in the throes of shock, disbelief and a roller coaster ride of emotions.  One day I’m angry; the next, I’m depressed.

Last night, it hit me.  He had an affair.  It sounds ridiculous because I have now known this for almost two weeks, but I think I pushed that away in order to deal with the fact that he is no longer living with us.

Part of the problem is I still feel he hasn’t shared the entire story.  It took him a week to acknowledge that they kissed.  In the last day or two, he admitted that he was secretly meeting with her months earlier than I thought.  When the full story takes time to come out, exactly what am I supposed to believe?

He says he acknowledges that he screwed up royally.  Yet, at the same time, he blames me for his unhappiness in the marriage.  While I accept that there are times when I can be difficult, I do believe your own happiness comes from within first.  I honestly don’t believe you can rely on someone else for your happiness.

In addition, he refuses to accept that he has always had a voice in this marriage.  He just chose not to use it.  Instead, he chose to cheat.  As if that was an acceptable option.

Since I found out, we have sat down and had many long conversations.  Because of this, he now wants to jump right in and “date” again in the hopes of repairing what was broken.  Unfortunately, I am not ready.  I am rational enough to know that I am NOT rational enough to make any decisions for the future at this time.

He wants to be home, with the kids.  The girls miss having him here.  I miss having someone to bounce parenting duties off of.  It’s hard doing this on my own.

I don’t know how long this is going to take.  I don’t know if I want to be married to him anymore.  Before I found out about the affair, he was distant and cold for a long time (now I know why).  Despite my attempts to reach out to him, he rebuffed me.  So, I have been alone and lonely for a long time (almost a year).  I was considering ending things before I received the devastating news.

Divorce is complicated.  My children have been raised with two very involved parents.  To take that away from them breaks my heart.  At the same time, I am their role model and I have to teach them that certain things are just not easily remedied.

We are in counseling.  We’ll see where that goes.  I’ve never really been in relationship counseling before, so I’m not sure what to expect.  I guess by even going, I am giving the marriage a chance.  However, I am not ready to “date” him by any stretch of the imagination.  I am sick of thinking about this, talking about this, etc.  It is defining who I am at this point.  I don’t play victim and I am very uncomfortable BEING victimized.

I am hurt, angry, depressed, unforgiving but resilient.  I will find the right path at some point, but not until the shock of this devastating news has truly sunk in and after I have had time to grieve what has been so callously thrown away.

Parenthood is meant to be shared between two people.  It’s preferable if those two people live in the home with the kids.  Of course, that is not taking into account whether the parents get along, if there’s abuse, etc.  So, I’m going to write in generalizations.

Right now, I am essentially a single parent.  My estranged husband is definitely in the girls’ lives, but I am with them all day, every day, on my own.

And it SUCKS.

I am exhausted.  The girls are still on summer break, but I am used to being home with them during the summer.  So, what has changed?  Well, G doesn’t come home at 6.  We don’t have dinner as a family. I don’t have someone to fall back on.

Honestly, I don’t think I ever realized how hard being a single mother could be.  I have the benefit of having someone, though not at home, that I can call to come get the girls and give me a break.

Right now, my marriage is a mess.  I would love to escape for a few days and have time to quietly think things through.  I don’t have that luxury.  When a marriage is in turmoil, the kids are obviously affected too.  So, leaving them now is not an option.  They need me.  I am their rock.

At the same time, I’m jealous of the freedom G has.  He doesn’t have to read to them at night, answer their questions, cuddle with them, get up with them in the morning and meet their every need.  His time is his own.  I am sure he misses the ins and outs of daily family life, but as the working parent, he is used to having time away from us.

Parenthood is arguably the hardest job in the world.  Marriage is a close second.  I’m failing at one, but trying my hardest to not fail at the other.