Cranky Jennie ;-p

Well, I wish I could say that I’m well on the way to recovery, but that wouldn’t really be the truth.

In the beginning, I was an emotional roller coaster.  My mood changed by the hour (and sometimes, by the minute).  Over the course of the last few weeks, the roller coaster has slowed down.  Now my mood only changes twice a day

So, you may be wondering what these moods are.

The first, and most obvious is anger.  I don’t remember ever being this angry for this long.  Typically, my anger flares and then dissipates rather quickly.  So, prolonged anger is new for me.  Do I have a right to be angry?  Absolutely!  I was betrayed in the worst possible way.  To add to the anger, my spouse has yet to make strides to reassure me or to make me feel that his apology is heart-felt.

The next emotion is sadness.  This encompasses grief.  I am sad for the loss of my marriage and for the loss of my family unit as I have known it for so many years.  With sadness comes a supreme lack of security.  We all need a sense of security, whether it is financial, emotional or psychological.  I am completely off balance.

Depression follows sadness.  If I had the opportunity, which as a mother, I don’t, I would hide under the covers for days.  Unfortunately, I am completely duty-bound, so giving in to the depression is just not an option.  On the days when I actually don’t do much except my mom duties, I feel tremendously guilty.

And then there’s guilt.  Could I have done something to prevent what has happened?  No.  That was his lousy choice.  Should I have known what was happening?  I intuited something was up, but still, when I found out, I was still shocked.  I never thought G would be that kind of person.

On some days, I actually feel resigned.  I feel resigned that my marriage is over, no matter how much I try to fix it.  It takes two, you know?  I think the marriage itself was pretty good (an opinion only I hold), but what’s the point in working out the kinks in it if I can’t get over his affair.  This is where G comes in.

I need to feel that G is fighting to save our family and our marriage.  The question I face now is:  how long do I wait to see if he’s willing to do this?  If you have the answer, I would LOVE to know!

In the meantime, all I can give myself is time.  To tell the truth though, I’m running out of patience.  I’m not a waiter.  I’m proactive!

My therapist asked me the other day, “What are your emotional needs?”.

I had to think long and hard about this one.

The truth is, my emotional needs have been lost over the last 12 years in my marriage.  G’s emotional needs, as well as those of my children, superseded my own.  Foremost, I am a caregiver and in that, my emotional needs became inconsequential.

After much thought and consideration I came up with this list:  support, protection, loyalty, honesty and security.  Recent events in my life have shown me that none of these needs were being met.

Did I even notice?  To be honest, no.  However, because of the recent events in my life, I realized that I am worthy of having my emotional needs met as well.

Now, the question is, will G be up to the task?  The answer is, I don’t know.  If I spent the last 12 years with blinders on, how do I know that I truly need what has been missing?

In therapy, you review everything in your life.  Certain aspects have been illuminated.  The fact is, my male role model, my father, is the strong, silent type.  He is a man of few words, but when he speaks, you LISTEN.  His strength emanates from every pore of his being.  He is sensitive and kind, but he stands up for what is true and right.  He does not cower from adversity or confrontation.  In fact, he meets these things head on and with an optimistic attitude.

In comparison, while G displays many of these characteristics, he has not played the role of protector and supporter.  I never realized how important these things were to me.

In retrospect, MOST of my arguments over the years (and there really weren’t that many) stemmed from his inability to meet these emotional needs.  What a surprise this was to me!!!!!

It’s not that I held resentment towards him.  Rather, I just learned to get along.  While I believed I was content, maybe I just lowered my standards because he was good in so many other ways.

The revelation of his affair has actually given me a window into my own soul.  Yes, it’s traumatic and devastating in so many ways; however, I am more startled by the revelation of my own emotional needs.

Everyone has them.  They may be similar to mine, or more like intimacy, affection, platitudes, etc.  For me, meeting my emotional needs, as stated above, would bring all the others to fruition.

Yes, I’ve actually seen the wisdom of therapy.  This blog is also a way to journal my thoughts and feelings.  Combined, they are giving me the power to see my life so much more clearly.  And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I hope that you, too, will find the path to worthiness and fulfillment.

In classical psychology, projection is always seen as a defense mechanism that occurs when a person’s own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.^[1]

An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and redirect their libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or “projecting,” those same faults onto another. (Wikipedia).

For the last three weeks, after my husband admitted to his affair, he has been brow-beating me and blaming me for getting to the point where he chose to have that affair.

No marriage is perfect.  G and I are complete opposites.  Where he is quiet; I am loud.  Where I’m a fighter, he’s a peacekeeper.  I used to think this was a good thing because we could balance each other out.

Somewhere along the way, that was lost.  I became the source of strength and protection for the family.  I voiced my displeasure about things, but lost that sense of support from him.

At this point, I am lost.  Where do I go from here?

What I do know is that I will not submit myself to being knocked when I’m already down.

One question I have asked is this:  If the children and I felt the home was peaceful and happy, why did he not?  Another question:  If I am such a “negative” and “critical” person, why did he stay?

And more:  How can I be a “great mother” and a lousy wife?

The questions just keep popping up.

I don’t think he grasps the severity of what he chose to do.  He thinks that the kids will be fine.  I believe they will be profoundly affected by this for years to come.  They have questions and want answers.  He doesn’t provide them.  I do.

When does having an argument with someone cross the line of being verbal abuse (as he has claimed)?  If you angrily say someone is acting selfishly and is passive-aggressive, is that abuse?  Is being cranky and/or moody, at times, abusive?

I have been victimized by his actions and rather than admit and accept that he has caused this pain and anguish, he seems to relish in pointing out all my real and imagined faults.  Does that fall under the definition of “projection”?

I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I knew which way is up.  I wish I knew what road to follow.  Perhaps counseling is the answer.  Right now, I’m just overwhelmed by sadness and anger.

It IS my world that has been turned upside down, isn’t it?

Perception is reality.  However, perception can be skewed by various factors.

One factor is attitude.  Are you optimistic or pessimistic?  If you’re optimistic, perhaps your perception makes things appear better than they actually are (I apparently fall into this category).  Pessimists, on the other hand, can view events in a negative light and feel things are worse than they actually are.

Another factor is your own sense of self.  Are you too sensitive?  Are you too stubborn?  Are you unsure of yourself?  All of these things can make even the simplest of statements seem to be a personal attack.

So, how do you ensure that your perception is realistic?  I think the only way to do that is to use your voice.  You need to ask questions.  You need to assert yourself and ask the other person to define what they mean.

The worst offenders are the ones who keep their thoughts and feelings bottled up.  How is someone else supposed to understand what you are thinking and feeling if they refuse to ask for clarification?

I learned a long time ago that if you assume things, you are often mistaken.    We can’t read each other’s minds.  Assuming means putting thoughts and feelings into someone else’s head that may not be within the realm of reality.

This can cause major trouble in a relationship.  We are owners of our thoughts and feelings.  We can choose to share them and clarify them so that there is no misunderstanding.  However, a relationship has to go both ways.  This is why communication is so key.  Without it, you are both left with perceptions that are inaccurate and ultimately, damaging.

Over time, skewed perception builds resentment and anger.

I believe the solution is to find your voice, own up to your own thoughts and feelings, and communicate without fear of retaliation.  This may not be easy, but ultimately, everyone is better for it.